Holiday Blues

Yes, I know the major holidays are over, but for weeks I have felt prompted to put my thoughts out there so someone -- perhaps my children, perhaps others -- can benefit somehow from my experiences.

You see, I deal with seasonal depression each year beginning around Thanksgiving and usually lasting till after the New Year.  When it starts I feel a heaviness of heart, emotionally I spiral downward, and a gloomy darkness seems to gather round me. If I allowed it to happen, I could drown in that darkness.  Many days all I want to do is climb back in bed, curl into a tight ball, and cry my eyes out.  But I can’t.  I have people who depend on me, so every day I force myself out of bed and go through the motions of life.  During those few weeks if you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll plaster a smile on my face and tell you I’m just peachy.  And I’ll probably be lying.  

It began in 1990, the year our little Seth died, and only got worse five years later when Daddy died on Christmas Eve.  (I had a serious talk with Daddy about that.)  Seth was born on December 30, so I always associate Christmas time with his birth.  I don’t even remember the exact date of his death … isn’t that odd?  I know it was toward the end of February.  I just prefer to think of his birth and each December I wonder what he would have been like that year, had he lived.  This year he would have turned 24.  Would he be a college graduate?  Would he be married?  Possibly have had a child?

For several years, especially after Daddy’s death, I just couldn’t deal with Christmas.  I used to love sending out cards and creating an annual Christmas letter.  I would bake cookies, do fun things with the kids.  For my children’s sake I still did things, but my heart just wasn’t in it.  I recall one December when Natalie, then about 6 years old, found me crying and wanted to know what was wrong.  How do you tell a young child that you just can’t stand Christmas anymore?

Sometimes I still don’t “do” Christmas very well, but the depression has gotten better over time.  I am aware when it starts and I work hard to distract myself and keep busy.  But the sadness and pain is always there, lurking in the background.  Even now, just thinking about it, my heart feels heavy.  I’m not sure why … I believe the promises of God when He tells me I will see my loved ones again.  Of that I have no doubt, yet the sadness remains.

This year I tried something different:  I talked about my depression.  In early December Kelden and I were on our way to a Christmas activity when I commented, “I wonder if there will ever come a year when I don't get depressed at Christmas time?”  Bless his heart … until that moment my good husband had no idea that I had been battling depression for over 20 years.  That’s how good I was at hiding it.  The following week I mentioned my holiday depression to a couple of friends and an amazing thing happened … my burden was lifted!  Just talking about the depression somehow made it easier to keep the darkness at bay.  In fact, this year was one of the best, most peaceful Christmases I have experienced in years.  

Do you know a loved one who has experienced loss or depression?  Try to get him or her to TALK about it.  If you suffer from depression, extreme sadness, or loneliness ... PLEASE find a trusted family member or friend and talk about it. Giving voice to those feelings really can help.

Next year I plan to talk about my depression again.  If you ask me how I’m doing, I will put a smile on my face and tell you I’m just peachy … And I’ll probably be telling the truth!