Yes, I know the major holidays are over, but for weeks I
have felt prompted to put my thoughts out there so someone -- perhaps my
children, perhaps others -- can benefit somehow from my experiences.
You see, I deal with seasonal depression each year beginning
around Thanksgiving and usually lasting till after the New Year. When it starts I feel a heaviness of heart, emotionally
I spiral downward, and a gloomy darkness seems to gather round me. If I allowed
it to happen, I could drown in that darkness.
Many days all I want to do is climb back in bed, curl into a tight ball, and
cry my eyes out. But I can’t. I have people who depend on me, so every day I
force myself out of bed and go through the motions of life. During those few weeks if you ask me how I’m
doing, I’ll plaster a smile on my face and tell you I’m just peachy. And I’ll probably be lying.
It began in 1990, the year our little Seth died, and only
got worse five years later when Daddy died on Christmas Eve. (I had a serious talk with Daddy about
that.) Seth was born on December 30, so
I always associate Christmas time with his birth. I don’t even remember the exact date of his
death … isn’t that odd? I know it was
toward the end of February. I just
prefer to think of his birth and each December I wonder what he would have been
like that year, had he lived. This year
he would have turned 24. Would he be a
college graduate? Would he be
married? Possibly have had a child?
For several years, especially after Daddy’s death, I just
couldn’t deal with Christmas. I used to
love sending out cards and creating an annual Christmas letter. I would bake cookies, do fun things with the
kids. For my children’s sake I still did
things, but my heart just wasn’t in it.
I recall one December when Natalie, then about 6 years old, found me
crying and wanted to know what was wrong.
How do you tell a young child that you just can’t stand Christmas
anymore?
Sometimes I still don’t “do” Christmas very well, but the depression
has gotten better over time. I am aware
when it starts and I work hard to distract myself and keep busy. But the sadness and pain is always there,
lurking in the background. Even now, just
thinking about it, my heart feels heavy.
I’m not sure why … I believe the promises of God when He tells me I will
see my loved ones again. Of that I have
no doubt, yet the sadness remains.
This year I tried something different: I talked about my depression. In early December Kelden and I were on our
way to a Christmas activity when I commented, “I wonder if there will ever come
a year when I don't get depressed at Christmas time?” Bless his heart … until that moment my good
husband had no idea that I had been battling depression for over 20 years. That’s how good I was at hiding it. The following week I mentioned my holiday
depression to a couple of friends and an amazing thing happened … my burden
was lifted! Just talking about the
depression somehow made it easier to keep the darkness at bay. In fact, this year was one of the best, most
peaceful Christmases I have experienced in years.
Do you know a loved one who has experienced loss or
depression? Try to get him or her to
TALK about it. If you suffer from depression, extreme sadness, or loneliness ... PLEASE find a trusted family member or friend and talk about it. Giving voice to those
feelings really can help.
Next year I plan to talk about my depression again. If you ask me how I’m doing, I will put a
smile on my face and tell you I’m just peachy … And I’ll probably be telling
the truth!
